Gw pikir....

Broken heart is suck. Dengan sadar, gw memilih buat pergi.
I thought I'll be fine.

Tapi kemudian beberapa hal terjadi.

Pertama kali dalam hidup gw, gw ga bisa tidur semalaman. Gw cuma bolak balik gelisah, tapi mata gw tak kunjung menutup. Besoknya, gw terkapar seharian d atas kasur seperti ayam sakit.

Nafsu makan gw menurun drastis. Gw makan sehari sekali juga udah syukur. Itupun gw paksain supaya gw punya tenaga buat ngelakuin aktivitas gw.

Berhari2, tekanan darah gw naik tak tentu arah. Heart rate gw di atas 100. Kepala gw pusing bukan main disertai keinginan mau muntah. Untuk kedua kalinya (pertama kali pas jalan di seoul dulu) gw menyerah, istirahat ta' kunjung menurunkan TD gw. Gw akhirnya menelan pil antihipertensi.

Di tengah2 pemeriksaan pasien, benak gw berbisik
"Oh, ini pasien sakit xxx. Gw bakal kasih obat z dan y. Seminggu jg bakal beres kyknya............
See, I could help my patient. I'm a good person. WHY THE HELL CANT YOU APPRECIATE ME!!!!!"

Dan kemudian....air mata gw menetes.
Dan gw harus keluar ruangan sebentar in the middle of the examination buat menenangkan diri. Diiringi tatapan heran pasien dan asisten2 gw.

Saat itulah, gw sadar.
Gw bukan cuma sekedar patah hati.
Gw hancur berkeping2.

I'm not fine.
At least, not now.

The Final Answer

Ada satu doa khusus yg gw panjatkan saat gw mengelilingi ka'bah dan di raudoh, saat umroh dulu. Doa yang sama gw selipkan di tiap sholat  selama gw d sana. Gw berdoa untuk sesuatu yang amat sangat gw harapkan dalam hidup .

"Jika baik untuk kami ya Rabb, tolong tunjukkan jalannya. Tapi jika memang tidak, tolong ikhlaskan hamba-Mu ini buat menerimanya. "

Tahun berlalu, dan gw tak kunjung mendapatkan jawaban atas doa gw. Gw mulai skeptis, apriori. Rasanya gw sudah meminta dengan sepenuh hati, kenapa belum ada petunjuk juga? Gw bahkan, dengan emosionalnya,  mengungkapkan kekecewaan gw atas ketidakjelasan permohonan gw di depan temen2 gw waktu night cruise d guangzhou.

Waktu kembali berlalu.

Semua berjalan seperti biasa. Dan, tiba2, saat gw pikir semuanya baik2 saja, Tuhan kembali menunjukkan kebesaran-Nya. Malam ini jawaban itu datang, seterang benderang matahari yang bersinar.

Jawaban dari permintaan gw adalah TIDAK.

Dan gw mencoba menerimanya dengan lapang dada.
Ketetapan-Mu adalah yg terbaik ya Rohman ya Rohim.

Dear one....

You called me this morning. And you told me that you have your doubts in your mind. Whether you want to stay with me on this difficult heavy rocky roads or should you just move on to someone else, start a brand new life. And to be honest, both of us could see how tempted and easy the later road is.

Dear one....
Staying with me wont be easy. You've known me for years. You already see me at my best and my worst. By now, you must have known that I have a high standard on mylife. And I do not fear hardwork to achieve that. I could be really stubborn and annoying sometimes. And at my worst, it so easy to evoke anger from me.

I'm far from perfect. I know it and already accept myself the way I am. I've tried my best to turn myself into a better person though sometimes I failed miserably.

If I were your friend, and you asked me the same above question,  I might suggest you to move on forward and find another amazing person. There are so many dozens women out there that will suit you. And you'll be able to start a new happy family and put your past behind.

But I am selfish. I still want you to notice and adore me only. So I cant tell you to leave me alone and have your own life. Or maybe both of us are selfish and afraid. So we keep hold on and stick to each other in this lonely rough road. Though the ending is still so dark and difficult to predict.

I love you.
There is no way I would deny this feeling.
No matter how bad you treated me, no matter how often you dissapointed me, I keep fall in love with you.

I do care of you. And I realize that we only live in this life once. And I'm not going to be a person who prevent you to find real happiness in this precious life. No. I determine NOT to be that kind of person.

It's your call now.

If you think that "us"  is worth enough to be struggled with, then I'll be by your side and fight with you. But if you think, it isn't, then I'll retreat myself and silently disappear from your life.

I may feel angry, betrayed, dissapointed and sad. I may say nasty words at first. But you and I know me so well. We both know that at one point,  I will accept your decision and continue my life. And I'll be allright.

So please think about it carefully.  And please notice that I do have the same "fears and concerns", just like you. Dont be afraid to break and hurt me. You've done that once, and I come back just fine.  We both agreed to try our second chance. If it failed, then it meant to failed. It would be the end of it. Not another chance.

It takes 2 persons commitment to build this relationship. And when 1 person un-willing to continue, there is no way the other one can do to make it works.

So,  take your time and make up your mind. Then tell me, please..... I need to know where I stand now.

Thank you.